And maybe it’s true. Maybe I do feel more strongly for her than she does for me. Maybe I do love her more than she loves me. And maybe she means more to me than I do to her. And it fucking hurts.
I feel like I am constantly busting my ass to make her happy; because that’s what you do when you love someone, you try your best to make sure they always smile. But it’s like… lately, my very voice irks her. The thought of being in my presence disgusts her. The idea of living with me is repulsive to her. I am…. frustrated.
I’m fucking frustrated. And I’m hurt. And I’m confused. Because, not a few months ago, she was all gung ho about this relationship. She was the one who wanted to start something with me, and now she thinks I’m taking things too fast and that I’m too serious and ITS THE SAME SHIT ALL OVER AGAIN.
I keep making the same fucking mistake. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What is so bad about my underlying personality that nobody wants to fucking be with me? Why am I such a bad fucking person that the idea of getting close to me is repulsive? And why the fuck does this hurt so goddamn much every time?
You would think that I’d be used to it. That I could just deal and let it go and move the fuck on. But I can’t. And I’m sitting here trying not to cry all over again. Story of my fucking life.
I need to just be a hermit because I finally figured out what hurts me the most: PEOPLE.