I Find Myself Falling for a Heterosexual
It fucking sucks. I’ve been spending all this time searching for that “perfect” girl; not perfect in the conventional sense, but perfect for me. And this one is. She’s intelligent, attractive, social, geeky, charismatic, and… well, in short, she’s amazing. I want her, and I know I have absolutely no shot with her, and it’s had me brooding all day. If only we hadn’t have gotten drunk at that party last night, and if only she didn’t kiss me again and again, and tell me how great and wonderful I am. If only I had never met her…
Because now I don’t know what to do. I barely even want to see her now, knowing that each moment I spend with her is only going to make it worse for me. And I’m not stupid. I’m not kidding myself. I know I have no shot. I know I shouldn’t even bother. But every time I see her…. every time she laughs and smiles that wonderful smile of hers, I fall deeper. And I barely even know her.
It’s frustrating. I settle all the time, and I’m so fucking tired of settling. But now, I really have to wonder, is there anyway for me not to end up settling? Is there really someone out there made for me? Someone who can look at me and actually see through me the way she does. Is there anything worth looking forward to, now that I know what’s possible?
I’m thinking there’s not… and I may end up deciding that it’s better for me to just be alone than to have to settle for someone who just isn’t quite right for me.
